Strengthening Connections During the Holidays with the Tools of Emotionally Focused Therapy

​The holiday season can bring a mix of joy, excitement, and stress, especially when it comes to relationships. Whether it's navigating family dynamics, managing expectations with a partner, or dealing with personal emotional challenges, the holidays often highlight both the highs and lows of our emotional lives. Learning ways to understand exactly what we are experiencing and connect to those closest to us is what allows us to look at stressful seasons with peace, gratitude, and excitement for the coming months. 
 
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), created by Dr. Sue Johnson in the 1980s and built on the work of Les Greenberg, is a type of therapy that focuses on strengthening emotional connections between people—whether it’s partners, families, or individuals. At its heart, EFT helps people respond to each other’s emotions in a caring and supportive way, creating a space where everyone feels safe and understood- stopping hurt feelings that often can grow into resentments. During the holidays, when emotions can be all over the place, EFT can be a powerful tool to help you and your loved ones navigate the ups and downs. It can help you communicate more openly, speak with more intention, increase your curiosity, and better manage the emotional rollercoaster of the season.
 
Why Emotional Connection Matters During the Holidays
 
The holiday season often involves family gatherings, travel, and social events. For many people, these occasions are filled with both joy and potential stress. The emotional atmosphere can shift rapidly, with moments of togetherness quickly turning into conflict or tension. Underneath these reactions are often unmet emotional needs—such as the desire to feel appreciated, understood, or supported. 
 
For example, you might find yourself feeling frustrated with a partner who doesn’t seem to understand your need for rest after a busy day of holiday preparations. Or perhaps you feel hurt by a family member who doesn’t acknowledge your emotional contributions to the gathering. These emotions, if not addressed, can lead to a desire to increase your distance and feelings of being disconnected.
 
EFT works by helping individuals and couples tune into their emotional needs and communicate them more effectively. By recognizing emotional patterns and shifting negative cycles of behavior, you are better able to access deeper empathy and feel more curious about what other people are experiencing. This can make all the difference when emotions run high during the busy and often overwhelming holiday season.
 
How Emotionally Focused Therapy Can Help
 
1. Strengthening Attachment Bonds
   Attachment theory, the foundation of EFT, teaches us that humans are biologically wired to seek emotional connection, especially in times of stress or vulnerability. The holidays often stir up emotions that can make us feel isolated or misunderstood, which can trigger old fears of abandonment or rejection. EFT helps couples and families address these fears by creating a space where emotions are validated and responded to with care. In turn, this can reinforce the sense of safety and trust between loved ones.
 
   Practical tip: If you find yourself feeling disconnected from your partner or family during the holidays, try expressing your need for emotional support in a calm, vulnerable way. It may be tempting to say something that could be perceived by your loved one as criticism or blame, but instead, focus on your feelings and invite your loved ones to respond with empathy. For example, "I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed, and I am wondering if you could listen to me complain a bit for now. That would feel really supportive."
 
2. Improving Communication
   The busy holiday season can lead to stress and misunderstandings, making it harder to communicate effectively. Sometimes, when emotions run high, people revert to behaviors that may be reactive, which can fuel conflict. Instead, emphasizes the importance of emotional awareness and expression, so both partners can begin to communicate in a way that meets each other's needs and slows down the pace of what you are feeling internally.
 
   Practical tip: Recognize how a small misunderstanding can escalate, pause, and ask yourself what deeper emotional need might be driving the reaction. You might notice a moment where you are about to snap at your partner or you did snap at them which might be because you're feeling unsupported or unheard. Share your feelings calmly, such as, “I’m feeling stressed about all the things we have to do, and I just need some help. I recognize I am being a little short with you.” 
 
3. Managing Expectations and Stress  
   The holidays can come with high expectations—whether it’s for the perfect family gathering, buying the right gifts, or managing numerous social obligations. These expectations can create emotional strain, especially if they conflict with personal desires or practical limitations. EFT encourages individuals to identify and express their unmet emotional needs, which helps diffuse frustration and resentment.
 
   Practical tip: Instead of silently resenting the pressure to create the “perfect” holiday experience, share your feelings with others. You might say, “I really want to create something special for the holidays, and I am worried I won’t be able to pull it off becausr there is too much to do. Can we work together to figure out a plan that feels good for everyone?”
 
4. Navigating Family Dynamics
   One very common area of stress is with family and extended family. These feelings can be even more complex during the holidays and long-standing issues or unresolved conflicts can surface. Whether it’s a distant relationship with a sibling or tension with a parent, these unresolved emotional issues can feel even more pronounced during family gatherings. Don’t try to fix everything over this time period! One important principal and recognizing what you feel and sadness about unmet expectations in relationships in a safe non-judgemental space. Recognize your vulnerabilities about this. 
 
   Practical tip: If family dynamics tend to cause stress, try to approach difficult conversations with empathy and curiosity. Rather than assuming the worst about a family member’s actions, ask open-ended questions to understand their perspective, such as, “I noticed you seemed upset during dinner. Is there something on your mind that you’d like to talk about? I would be open to listening.”
 
5. Creating Meaningful Traditions 
   In addition to managing the stress and emotional challenges of the holidays, EFT can help couples and families create meaningful, emotionally satisfying traditions. By focusing on what truly matters—connection, togetherness, and shared joy—you can cultivate a holiday experience that strengthens your bonds rather than depletes them.
 
   Practical tip: Take a moment to reflect on the emotional aspects of your holiday traditions. What activities make you feel most connected to the people you love? Whether it’s sharing a meal, exchanging heartfelt gifts, or simply spending quality time together, make sure these traditions prioritize emotional closeness over perfection.
 
Final Thoughts
 
The holidays don’t have to be a time of emotional overwhelm and stress. With the tools and principles of Emotionally Focused Therapy, you can navigate the emotional ups and downs of the season more mindfully, deepening your connections with loved ones along the way. By creating a safe space to express emotions, fostering empathy, and managing expectations, EFT can help you make the holidays a time of emotional warmth and closeness, rather than conflict or disconnection.
 
If you’re struggling to manage relationship dynamics or emotional challenges this holiday season, consider seeking the support of an EFT-trained therapist. They can guide you through the process of strengthening your emotional bonds, helping you and your loved ones create a more fulfilling and connected holiday experience.