by Miranda Ward, LMFT

Couples therapy has often been designed with traditional, monogamous relationships in mind. It has historically has been strongly understood through the label of marriage therapy- which in and of itself has left many couples feeling excluded- some which at one time could not even have the right to get married. What sets non-traditional couples apart is their ability to build relationships that don’t necessarily follow the conventional “script” for romance, marriage, and family life. However, these relationship structures are often misunderstood or underrepresented in therapy, leaving these couples to feel as though seeking support for their experiences do not get prioritized in seeking help as those of traditional partnerships. 

This issue has left many non-traditional couples feeling misunderstood, marginalized, or excluded and apprehensive to seek support. Non-traditional couples encompass a large group of families. This designation can include older couples who are remarried, a couple with a trans-identifying partner who is new to their identity or transitioned and with a longtime partner, LGBTQ+-identifying couples with children from previous relationships, blended families, and more. Other combinations may not even be identified here.

Non-traditional couples have been shown to struggle to find therapy that is inclusive and responsive to their unique dynamics. Sadly, these couples also can carry substantial risk in relationship connection due to increased minority oppression experiences, lack of social support and additional stressors. Many therapists, unintentionally or not, apply one-size-fits-all approaches that don’t consider the complexities of these relationship structures. This can result in couples feeling invalidated, which can make it even harder to seek help or to speak openly in their sessions. As society becomes more diverse in its understanding of relationships, the need for therapy to reflect this change becomes more urgent. Non-traditional couples deserve therapy that respects their relationship models and helps them build stronger connections, just like any other couple.

Who Are Non-Traditional Couples?
Non-traditional couples are those whose relationships don’t fit the classic mold of a heterosexual, monogamous couple. This includes same-sex couples, polyamorous relationships, older couples who’ve remarried, blended families, and queer couples with children from previous relationships. These couples may be navigating a range of complexities, from balancing multiple sets of family dynamics to managing the unique challenges that come with later-life remarriages. While these relationships can be just as fulfilling and meaningful as traditional ones, they often require more nuanced and informed approaches to conflict resolution, communication, and emotional support.

Challenges Non-Traditional Couples Face

Non-traditional couples often face a range of unique challenges that require specialized support. A major hurdle is the external pressure they often experience from society, family, or even friends. For instance, LGBTQ+ couples with children from previous relationships might have to navigate societal judgments about their family structure, while blended families may struggle with the dynamics of merging different family cultures, parenting styles, and the needs of stepchildren. Older couples who’ve remarried may face difficulties blending financial responsibilities or navigating complex histories from previous marriages. In polyamorous relationships, the challenges can be even more complicated, with partners needing to negotiate multiple emotional and sexual boundaries.

Internally, these couples might also struggle with issues like trust, jealousy, balancing emotional needs, or managing the conflicting needs of multiple family members. For example, in a blended family, children from previous relationships might have their own feelings about the new family dynamic, and this can lead to tension or misunderstandings. Older couples who have remarried might have established habits or unresolved issues from their previous marriages that surface and complicate the current relationship. Queer couples with children may also need to navigate how to build a family identity, all while maintaining strong emotional connections between partners.

Given the complexity of these dynamics, traditional therapy approaches that focus on a “one-size-fits-all” model can often feel out of touch, leaving non-traditional couples without the support they need.

Identifying the Best Fit for Therapy

When seeking therapists that can meet the needs of non-traditional couples here are some basic goals non-traditional couples can share with their therapist they are hoping to find support in.

1.    Validating Relationship Choices: The first step for any therapist working with non-traditional couples is to affirm the validity of their relationship. Whether the couple is navigating a blended family, re-marriage in later life, or a same-sex partnership with children from previous relationships, their love and commitment are just as valuable as anyone else’s. It’s important that the therapist avoids framing the relationship as something that needs to be fixed or judged, but rather, sees it as a dynamic that’s unique, but not less meaningful. A therapist should provide a safe space for these couples to discuss their experiences without fear of dismissal or misunderstanding.

2.    Improving Emotional Communication: One of the most important elements of therapy for non-traditional couples is communication. These couples often need to discuss more complicated or layered issues, whether it’s managing multiple parental roles in a blended family, discussing boundaries in polyamorous relationships, or reconciling family traditions with new ones in later-life remarriages. Learning what they are emotionally experiencing and developing the language to share this without accusations can help couples feel closer and reduce necessary stress for relationship success. Therapists can help couples learn how to communicate more effectively, practice active listening, and express their needs in ways that foster understanding and cooperation. This is especially important for couples who are working with ex-partners or extended family members, as these dynamics often require additional negotiation and emotional management.

3.    Setting Boundaries and Expectations: Non-traditional couples often face the challenge of setting clear boundaries, not just within their relationship but across their entire family system. In a blended family, for example, parents might need to establish boundaries around how involved step-parents are in children’s decision-making, or how to handle discipline when children from different homes have different expectations. Older couples who are remarrying may have to work through expectations about finances, living arrangements, or what to do with property or assets from a previous marriage. Queer couples with children might navigate complex conversations around how to talk to their children about their family structure or how to manage relationships with extended families who may not fully accept the arrangement. Couples therapy can help these families clearly define what’s acceptable, ensuring that everyone feels heard and respected.

4.    Identity and Values Exploration: For non-traditional couples, therapy can also provide a space to explore their identities—both individually and as a couple—within the context of their relationships. For older couples remarrying, this might involve exploring how to blend separate identities and histories into a new, unified family vision. For queer couples with children, therapy can help navigate the intersection of sexual identity, parenthood, and societal expectations. Blended families can work through how to build a shared family identity, even when each member brings their own unique history and values. Understanding these deeper layers of identity helps couples and families align their emotional goals, navigate conflicts more effectively, and create a sense of unity despite diverse backgrounds.

5.    Dealing with External Pressure and Stigma: Many non-traditional couples face societal pressures or stigma that can affect their relationship. Blended families might feel judged by those who don’t understand the complexities of merging different family histories, while queer couples with children may have to face prejudice or discomfort from extended families or social circles. Older couples who have remarried might encounter skepticism about their second marriages or the possibility of “starting over” later in life. Therapy can help these couples process these external pressures, develop resilience, and find ways to deal with judgment or discrimination, while maintaining a healthy relationship with each other.


Conclusion

Couples therapy should be a space for all kinds of love, no matter the structure. Non-traditional couples—whether they are blended families, older couples who’ve remarried, or LGBTQ+ couples with children from previous relationships, or more—often face unique challenges that require specialized support. Therapy that is inclusive, non-judgmental, and tailored to their specific dynamics can provide these couples with the tools they need to build stronger, more resilient relationships. As the world moves toward a more inclusive understanding of love and partnership, therapy must evolve to meet the needs of all couples, helping them navigate the complexities of modern relationships with confidence and care.

​The holiday season can bring a mix of joy, excitement, and stress, especially when it comes to relationships. Whether it's navigating family dynamics, managing expectations with a partner, or dealing with personal emotional challenges, the holidays often highlight both the highs and lows of our emotional lives. Learning ways to understand exactly what we are experiencing and connect to those closest to us is what allows us to look at stressful seasons with peace, gratitude, and excitement for the coming months. 
 
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), created by Dr. Sue Johnson in the 1980s and built on the work of Les Greenberg, is a type of therapy that focuses on strengthening emotional connections between people—whether it’s partners, families, or individuals. At its heart, EFT helps people respond to each other’s emotions in a caring and supportive way, creating a space where everyone feels safe and understood- stopping hurt feelings that often can grow into resentments. During the holidays, when emotions can be all over the place, EFT can be a powerful tool to help you and your loved ones navigate the ups and downs. It can help you communicate more openly, speak with more intention, increase your curiosity, and better manage the emotional rollercoaster of the season.
 
Why Emotional Connection Matters During the Holidays
 
The holiday season often involves family gatherings, travel, and social events. For many people, these occasions are filled with both joy and potential stress. The emotional atmosphere can shift rapidly, with moments of togetherness quickly turning into conflict or tension. Underneath these reactions are often unmet emotional needs—such as the desire to feel appreciated, understood, or supported. 
 
For example, you might find yourself feeling frustrated with a partner who doesn’t seem to understand your need for rest after a busy day of holiday preparations. Or perhaps you feel hurt by a family member who doesn’t acknowledge your emotional contributions to the gathering. These emotions, if not addressed, can lead to a desire to increase your distance and feelings of being disconnected.
 
EFT works by helping individuals and couples tune into their emotional needs and communicate them more effectively. By recognizing emotional patterns and shifting negative cycles of behavior, you are better able to access deeper empathy and feel more curious about what other people are experiencing. This can make all the difference when emotions run high during the busy and often overwhelming holiday season.
 
How Emotionally Focused Therapy Can Help
 
1. Strengthening Attachment Bonds
   Attachment theory, the foundation of EFT, teaches us that humans are biologically wired to seek emotional connection, especially in times of stress or vulnerability. The holidays often stir up emotions that can make us feel isolated or misunderstood, which can trigger old fears of abandonment or rejection. EFT helps couples and families address these fears by creating a space where emotions are validated and responded to with care. In turn, this can reinforce the sense of safety and trust between loved ones.
 
   Practical tip: If you find yourself feeling disconnected from your partner or family during the holidays, try expressing your need for emotional support in a calm, vulnerable way. It may be tempting to say something that could be perceived by your loved one as criticism or blame, but instead, focus on your feelings and invite your loved ones to respond with empathy. For example, "I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed, and I am wondering if you could listen to me complain a bit for now. That would feel really supportive."
 
2. Improving Communication
   The busy holiday season can lead to stress and misunderstandings, making it harder to communicate effectively. Sometimes, when emotions run high, people revert to behaviors that may be reactive, which can fuel conflict. Instead, emphasizes the importance of emotional awareness and expression, so both partners can begin to communicate in a way that meets each other's needs and slows down the pace of what you are feeling internally.
 
   Practical tip: Recognize how a small misunderstanding can escalate, pause, and ask yourself what deeper emotional need might be driving the reaction. You might notice a moment where you are about to snap at your partner or you did snap at them which might be because you're feeling unsupported or unheard. Share your feelings calmly, such as, “I’m feeling stressed about all the things we have to do, and I just need some help. I recognize I am being a little short with you.” 
 
3. Managing Expectations and Stress  
   The holidays can come with high expectations—whether it’s for the perfect family gathering, buying the right gifts, or managing numerous social obligations. These expectations can create emotional strain, especially if they conflict with personal desires or practical limitations. EFT encourages individuals to identify and express their unmet emotional needs, which helps diffuse frustration and resentment.
 
   Practical tip: Instead of silently resenting the pressure to create the “perfect” holiday experience, share your feelings with others. You might say, “I really want to create something special for the holidays, and I am worried I won’t be able to pull it off becausr there is too much to do. Can we work together to figure out a plan that feels good for everyone?”
 
4. Navigating Family Dynamics
   One very common area of stress is with family and extended family. These feelings can be even more complex during the holidays and long-standing issues or unresolved conflicts can surface. Whether it’s a distant relationship with a sibling or tension with a parent, these unresolved emotional issues can feel even more pronounced during family gatherings. Don’t try to fix everything over this time period! One important principal and recognizing what you feel and sadness about unmet expectations in relationships in a safe non-judgemental space. Recognize your vulnerabilities about this. 
 
   Practical tip: If family dynamics tend to cause stress, try to approach difficult conversations with empathy and curiosity. Rather than assuming the worst about a family member’s actions, ask open-ended questions to understand their perspective, such as, “I noticed you seemed upset during dinner. Is there something on your mind that you’d like to talk about? I would be open to listening.”
 
5. Creating Meaningful Traditions 
   In addition to managing the stress and emotional challenges of the holidays, EFT can help couples and families create meaningful, emotionally satisfying traditions. By focusing on what truly matters—connection, togetherness, and shared joy—you can cultivate a holiday experience that strengthens your bonds rather than depletes them.
 
   Practical tip: Take a moment to reflect on the emotional aspects of your holiday traditions. What activities make you feel most connected to the people you love? Whether it’s sharing a meal, exchanging heartfelt gifts, or simply spending quality time together, make sure these traditions prioritize emotional closeness over perfection.
 
Final Thoughts
 
The holidays don’t have to be a time of emotional overwhelm and stress. With the tools and principles of Emotionally Focused Therapy, you can navigate the emotional ups and downs of the season more mindfully, deepening your connections with loved ones along the way. By creating a safe space to express emotions, fostering empathy, and managing expectations, EFT can help you make the holidays a time of emotional warmth and closeness, rather than conflict or disconnection.
 
If you’re struggling to manage relationship dynamics or emotional challenges this holiday season, consider seeking the support of an EFT-trained therapist. They can guide you through the process of strengthening your emotional bonds, helping you and your loved ones create a more fulfilling and connected holiday experience.